Denial

I guess I could use this blog as some sort of diary. A place to throw up all my emotions and thoughts just so I know its out of me.

So let me just go find my real diary and add some of my last entries into this blog...

Oh right that stuff is private.

why?

The truth is I'm tired of being a private person. Always protecting myself. And right now it would be really great to be heard.

To be quite honest I don't feel completely myself here in France. And I haven't felt completely myself for a while. And with all this solitude I've been blessed with, or indulged in... or perhaps suffered with... I have become pretty closed off. I didn't really know what I was doing. But I was closing all my doors for opportunities. (and physically closing my door of my room -and locking it too)

I want to hug people. I want to say hi to strangers. I want have a coffee with a Parisian. I want understand my host parents better.

I'm tired of believing that the only solution to finding a real human connection is to travel to the countryside of france on the weekends. This type of thinking makes the rest of my week so much harder to enjoy.

Preconceived ideas, and denial of my own unhappiness is what is eating me alive. The funny thing is that I go to Paris, and I believe that everyone there is miserable and lonely and bitchy... sauf moi. But in reality I'm the one who woke up bitchy, lonely and miserable... and I'm projecting that shadow on my surroundings.

So I'm lucky to have noticed this only after 5 months. I will be more honest from now on; there’s really no need to stretch the truth... To try and please other people by putting on a cover...

I also wanted to thank all of you who read my blog... because you are my friends, And you have all been open with me. Some of you have been very honest with me... told me how it is, and it’s not always good...

but the honesty is what made closer.

So enough about me...

How are you doing lately?

Thomas Thwaites: How I built a toaster -- from scratch | Video on TED.com

Thomas Thwaites: How I built a toaster -- from scratch | Video on TED.com

Scratch

Last night I watched a video on Ted talks about a guy who wanted to make a toaster from scratch... this meant finding the minerals in the earth and melting them into certain metals and making plastic from oil.... stuff like that, the link is on the post before this one. it took him 9 months to make a toaster and it almost worked.

After watching this, I of course looked at everything differently... - my plastic keyboard of my computer, my doorknob, every single item in the grocery store.... really depressing actually, once I understood that if i were asked to reproduce any of these "man made" items from scratch I would have no idea where to start and would likely never succeed in completing it.

This upsets me, because I would like to believe that human beings are intelligent beings, and we can create incredible things. Which is true, unfortunately none of us seem to remember how to create something out of nothing anymore.

I'm going to borrow some words from the video clip, and say that I don't think I could make a sandwich from scratch. I have no idea how to grow wheat, or raise a cow, I think I could make some sort of instrument that could churn butter... o man and if I could make my own cheese, I would be sooo happy...

My point is that after all this "reflecting" I did today, I ended up going to the grocery story, buying milk in plastic cartons , cereal in cardboard boxes, beans in tin cans...

I wonder how many of us can successfully create a tin can.
... Just so we can throw it out after we use whatever it was containing.