hello world! (long blog...)

Ok well I'm back from my adventure!

I have some wonderful stories, I’ve met some wonderful people, and I feel really good.
It might be that spring is soon to come... and if you take the time to look at the birds today, you will see that they are acting really strange lately... haha

With the combination of my trip to Britany and my trip around France, Spain and Italy I have this brand new feeling about my life situation. I learned in Britany that it is possible to live with a dry toilet, a wood stove, compost, recyclable water, and energy efficient electrical appliances when you just had your second baby. That you can be in the middle of building your house and still and make it the most comfortable home and then invite company over.
And when you need to spend money, spend it on things that will last, spend it on things that were made by one or two people, spend it on materials that are natural and didn't harm anyone to make, and if you can... make it yourself. Paint, Write, Dance, Sing, Grow, Build, Cook, Clean, Nurture

I think its fact that people need to create, or express. And if technology takes all the creating away from us... how will we feel useful? If we go back to our instincts I think we will be able to live more naturally instead of against nature.

After Britany, I had a week to pack for my mini euro-trip. Then I got on the night train to Perpignan. I met up with my friend Elise, who I used to work with two years ago in Canada. I spent 3 sunny days with her and her friends. Very nice, very friendly people. Elise was so generous, she had her final exams the next week, and then she was moving after that... and she still agreed to have me over! Then she made some amazing meals and yummy anchovies with roasted red peppers (first time it was very good). We went to the coast which was sooo beautiful, the mountains on one side, the meditearanian on the other... dark grey cliffs and sailboats.... ahhhhh... that day was perfect. Thank you Elise.

Barcelona. well it’s great. Of course there was a lot of partying involved. But the conversations that were shared were so interesting! I swear we spent hours talking about "the brain". Personal stuff was shared with strangers, food was shared, wine was shared, hugs, smiles... everything was shared... as long as you were sharing yourself too. I really liked the people I met... and I ended up staying longer then I planned. I learned that I need to give more. I'm the type of person who does everything myself, for myself. And this is obvious to the people around me, and it’s not a very lovable characteristic. So new direction... Give. Thank you Barcelona. (Tash, Sarah, Lyz, Anna, Joao, Rafa, Luis, Polish, Guy who took us to the beach and name I can't remember...)

Valencia, was a hard switch... truth be told, I didn't want to ever leave Barcelona. So of course it was hard to appreciate the beauty of the city and the hostel this time (which was like a really smelly hospital). But I was lucky again, and I met three Italians. The first Italians I've ever met! haha... we (they) spoke mostly in Italian, with Filippo translating the conversation into English for me. We then met up with a Spanish girl and there was a time when we were mixing French, Spanish, Italian, and English. It’s actually pretty incredible. But all of our heads were exploding because we were all trying so hard to understand each other, and to be understood. Such inspiration for me to continue learning French, and to try to learn other languages as well... I'm thinking Portuguese will be the next one... so I’m going to start that right away. Thank you Trieste (Flo, Filippo, Steven)

Venice. By the time I got here, I was sooo incredibly tired and lost. I didn't do any research about Venice before going, because I was going to meet Steph there later at night. So I arrived in the ghetto, of some city that is beside Venice, because Venice is actually pretty small, on an island. (that’s why it’s soo expensive to stay there) So I found the hostel in this ghetto town, and slept. Then the next day Steph and I and Andrew went across the sea to Venice. It’s beautiful. But it’s Disneyland to me. You can choose to eat shop or take a ride on a gondola... for 100 euro. So we walked, for I think 7 hours. It was a sunny day, and the view was beautiful. And it was nice to see my sister again.

And now... Paris. Ahh it feels so good to be back, with clean clothes. I missed my host family, and it was great to see each other again.

I miss you all and I send you my love!

-Adie

Denial

I guess I could use this blog as some sort of diary. A place to throw up all my emotions and thoughts just so I know its out of me.

So let me just go find my real diary and add some of my last entries into this blog...

Oh right that stuff is private.

why?

The truth is I'm tired of being a private person. Always protecting myself. And right now it would be really great to be heard.

To be quite honest I don't feel completely myself here in France. And I haven't felt completely myself for a while. And with all this solitude I've been blessed with, or indulged in... or perhaps suffered with... I have become pretty closed off. I didn't really know what I was doing. But I was closing all my doors for opportunities. (and physically closing my door of my room -and locking it too)

I want to hug people. I want to say hi to strangers. I want have a coffee with a Parisian. I want understand my host parents better.

I'm tired of believing that the only solution to finding a real human connection is to travel to the countryside of france on the weekends. This type of thinking makes the rest of my week so much harder to enjoy.

Preconceived ideas, and denial of my own unhappiness is what is eating me alive. The funny thing is that I go to Paris, and I believe that everyone there is miserable and lonely and bitchy... sauf moi. But in reality I'm the one who woke up bitchy, lonely and miserable... and I'm projecting that shadow on my surroundings.

So I'm lucky to have noticed this only after 5 months. I will be more honest from now on; there’s really no need to stretch the truth... To try and please other people by putting on a cover...

I also wanted to thank all of you who read my blog... because you are my friends, And you have all been open with me. Some of you have been very honest with me... told me how it is, and it’s not always good...

but the honesty is what made closer.

So enough about me...

How are you doing lately?

Thomas Thwaites: How I built a toaster -- from scratch | Video on TED.com

Thomas Thwaites: How I built a toaster -- from scratch | Video on TED.com

Scratch

Last night I watched a video on Ted talks about a guy who wanted to make a toaster from scratch... this meant finding the minerals in the earth and melting them into certain metals and making plastic from oil.... stuff like that, the link is on the post before this one. it took him 9 months to make a toaster and it almost worked.

After watching this, I of course looked at everything differently... - my plastic keyboard of my computer, my doorknob, every single item in the grocery store.... really depressing actually, once I understood that if i were asked to reproduce any of these "man made" items from scratch I would have no idea where to start and would likely never succeed in completing it.

This upsets me, because I would like to believe that human beings are intelligent beings, and we can create incredible things. Which is true, unfortunately none of us seem to remember how to create something out of nothing anymore.

I'm going to borrow some words from the video clip, and say that I don't think I could make a sandwich from scratch. I have no idea how to grow wheat, or raise a cow, I think I could make some sort of instrument that could churn butter... o man and if I could make my own cheese, I would be sooo happy...

My point is that after all this "reflecting" I did today, I ended up going to the grocery story, buying milk in plastic cartons , cereal in cardboard boxes, beans in tin cans...

I wonder how many of us can successfully create a tin can.
... Just so we can throw it out after we use whatever it was containing.

couch surfing 1st time

This experience wasn't really planned out. At all. And I am so lucky that I found a place to sleep, let alone a great experience.

I stayed in Nancy for the last few days, It was really nice to walk around the city. I don't know why I find it such a nice city, but the people on the streets are interesting, and they SMILE! Plus I've decided in my head that everyone in Paris is evil, which of course isn't at all true... but I have to work hard to change my mind.

Nancy has a beautiful park, even in the middle of winter it has a spirit to it. I went for a walk around 7 or 8 at night. It was foggy and dark, but the walking paths were lit by French street lamps, and there were perhaps around a hundred crows in the trees. It sounded so creepy, and it smelled like real air, which is something I haven't smelled in a long time! haha

I also went to see the museum there, And after seeing a lot of museums in Paris I wasn't expecting it to be as interesting. But to my pleasant surprise, it was very impressive. Unfortunately I don’t think I can explain the art work very well here. So I will leave it at that, and say that I'm inspired to get back to painting.

My host was .. well... awesome! I did not expect to have such a great first experience with couch surfing... and I think I lucked out! I left feeling very inspired to DO the things that make me happy... like singing, and dancing, guitar, painting, and writing, and I need to need to fix my camera, because winter in France is something special.

Because the things that you do have more impact in life then the things you say. There are so many things that I would love to be good at... but I never try. The thing is that I have the time right now, to really do it.

I want to take advantage of my disadvantages. I want to find them now, and work on them, so today i bought some paint and painted. and I practiced guitar.

I'm still looking for a career idea, but I don’t think I’m as afraid of having a career as I used to be.

I am really glad I did something different. I know it’s only Nancy, but for me it was really fun. It was nice to spend some time with someone new, and share some experiences, music, food, drinks and conversation (mostly in french).

Will be out couch surfing again soon!

Voici quelques-unes de mes choses préférées

Now that it is freezing outside, and everyone is sick. It seems like a very appropriate time start sharing the love and celebrating the season.

Here are some of my favourite things to do around this time of year:

Eating chocolate (my family has gone through 1 kilo of chocolate in the last week) - and drinking it is especially satisfying, I've gotten Anais addicted to my hot chocolate because its awesome.

Baking- its nice and creative and keeps children somewhat engaged

Playing board games with french strangers - Anais and I went to a restaurant and played french board games with 3 very nice ladies for an entire afternoon this last week. (Possibly my favourite part of the week)

Pretending I can play musical instruments - My family is determined to play Christmas carols this year, so we are painfully strumming through chords on the guitar together, while the other guesses at the harmony, and Steph pulls it all together with the correct notes on the piano.

Spending lazy weekends with my sister and my host family.

Decorating the house! Listening to Manhattan Transfer Christmas songs and hanging christmas lights is mandatory.

Reading- although the last book I read was incredibly upsetting (flesh and blood by Michael Cunningham)It was still a great book.

Learning French. Although some days I want to roll over like a dog and play dead because I’m so frustrated with how long it takes to learn a second language. I am starting to be content with the amount of French I have been able to learn and understand.

French humour. It’s corky and awkward and that’s why I like it!

What do you do during this time of the year to keep you warm?

Last angry career/life related post...

Here I am at 20 years of age. My parents are no longer able to guide me in any sort of direction as far as career goes, and I am here guiding a young child with small but perhaps influential ideas on how to live her life. I am completely frustrated with my situation

The education system that I was given has brought me to this very important moment in my life where it is absolutely essential to find my passion, my “gift” and to pay thousands of dollars to spend the next 5+ years studying my “gift” in order to receive a paper that says to my future employers that my “gift” now is valid.

Well screw you future employers. My life is not worth your fortune. And my “gift” is just that – Its mine, and it is unique and is valid without the approval of university professors. AHHHH! Why do we do this to ourselves, to our children?

I am not ready to find security, whatever that means. “Get a good job” “Make sure it gives you the financial security you need” “do the creative things on the side”. Why would I want to live my life doing simple nothings for the good of no one, just so I can have those 3 hours after work and the weekend to do what makes me happy?

Why are universities given such prestige? They are just a large manufacturing business like any other. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t want to buy what they were producing… but it’s only because my mind is set to be a consumer…

I remember when I was in a competitive music festival when I was 12 or 13, and I had practiced my songs over and over, and I was truly content with the songs I was singing and the music I was making. When I went up to the stage I took a big breath and sang from the bottom of my heart, carful to make sure that the song would become something on its own. I remember feeling this really awesome feeling after the song was done, music is really cool that way… It hits you unexpectedly with joy.

When I was evaluated I was told that my posture was all wrong and I wasn’t properly shaping my lips. What the hell does that have to do with music? Does the wind blow in straight lines through the trees? Does water hesitate to estimate the fall before jumping off cliffs?

But this is how we function; everything must fit into a box.

Everyone must aspire to live their life in a straight production (opps) productive line.