I guess I could use this blog as some sort of diary. A place to throw up all my emotions and thoughts just so I know its out of me.
So let me just go find my real diary and add some of my last entries into this blog...
Oh right that stuff is private.
why?
The truth is I'm tired of being a private person. Always protecting myself. And right now it would be really great to be heard.
To be quite honest I don't feel completely myself here in France. And I haven't felt completely myself for a while. And with all this solitude I've been blessed with, or indulged in... or perhaps suffered with... I have become pretty closed off. I didn't really know what I was doing. But I was closing all my doors for opportunities. (and physically closing my door of my room -and locking it too)
I want to hug people. I want to say hi to strangers. I want have a coffee with a Parisian. I want understand my host parents better.
I'm tired of believing that the only solution to finding a real human connection is to travel to the countryside of france on the weekends. This type of thinking makes the rest of my week so much harder to enjoy.
Preconceived ideas, and denial of my own unhappiness is what is eating me alive. The funny thing is that I go to Paris, and I believe that everyone there is miserable and lonely and bitchy... sauf moi. But in reality I'm the one who woke up bitchy, lonely and miserable... and I'm projecting that shadow on my surroundings.
So I'm lucky to have noticed this only after 5 months. I will be more honest from now on; there’s really no need to stretch the truth... To try and please other people by putting on a cover...
I also wanted to thank all of you who read my blog... because you are my friends, And you have all been open with me. Some of you have been very honest with me... told me how it is, and it’s not always good...
but the honesty is what made closer.
So enough about me...
How are you doing lately?
Hey Addie!
ReplyDeleteYou can not even imagine how close to home that post hit for me. Is it possible for someone to be able to express exactly how one is/was feeling not so long ago?
If at all you are ever in doubt about being along with all those sentiments - you are definitely not!
I think the hardest part, from what I remember, was thinking WHAT were these ppl doing telling me that it would be the BEST and most amazing experience of my life!?? This is not! hahaha But it's like you only truly realize it at the end, when you have to leave. My advice: Take advantage. Try really hard to refrain from closing that bedroom door, even when that is all that you want to do!
This is definitely not to say that I know exactly what you are going through;your experience is completely unique to you, and although many of us have been there... this is your time & it will be so different from anyone else's. Good luck!
p.s. if you ever need someone to speak some english with haha (I know somedays you can crave it) or someone to compare stories with or just chat - don't hesitate to skype, text, call, message, email, whatever.
Miss you girlie, soak it all in!
BISOUS ma belle!